“I didn’t ask to be born.”
I remember saying this as a teen. I can remember my ungrateful, egocentric perspectives that had me believe this was true. I also remember how I had a hard time understanding my place in the world. I was depressed and life was hard! And, like many teens, I was extremely rebellious against doing anything that I didn’t want to do. I was hell bent on justifying against that feeling that I owed my parents anything. It was their choice to bring me into this world, so I didn’t owe them! I didn’t ask them to have me. Those Saturday morning chore lists and constant expectations to clean up after myself were so unfair. I had my own ideas about how to spend my time, MY life — while using their money, their cars, the clothes and food and shelter and undying love and care that they provided.
I don’t owe them!
Well, I’m not a teen any more and have kids of my own now and it’s a little embarrassing, a little tender, and a lot funny to look back on that young girl and her perspectives.
It is true that I didn’t and still don’t OWE my parents. They never thought that anyway. They weren’t cashing in on a debt with chores and punishments. They didn’t decide to participate in the creation of life in order to have someone to vacuum the living room, clean the toilets, and mow the lawn.
I do believe that they answered with a resounding “YES” to my desire to be born.
I do think that Love, God, Spirit, the Universe, and I asked to live this life and my parents agreed to help.
My mom cared for me from the moment she knew I was inside of her. She loved me and sang to me and fed me and washed me and clothed me and dreamt of my potential. She taught me how to care for myself, how to honor my home, how to love my family and friends.
My mom showed me how to work and dream and create. She is generous with her time, energy and talents. I saw how creating things and experiences and giving to others filled her with joy and love and light.
My mom modeled for me how to learn and grow and care for my Spirit. She showed me how to dance and celebrate, and rage and cry, and fall into despair. She showed me how to get back up again and again. She proved to me that I could trust life, with undying faith in knowing that mercy and grace will always come.
My mom shows me how to care for my heart as my own children pull away. She walks with me as I feel the pain and remorse from all of the ways I messed it up. She knows how deeply I love them. She reminds me again to trust the wisdom of life.
My mom never asked me to pay her back. I’m so grateful for this since I don’t know how this kind of debt could even be paid! I never get the impression that she feels owed. I don’t feel owed by my children! In fact, I feel in debt to God for the opportunity to be their mother.
…
I sat alone in the audience of my youngest child’s Spring school concert. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my chest felt like it would explode as I watched her sing and dance on stage. I have tissues in my purse. I’ve been crying at these concerts for 15 years. I am accustomed to it now.
I will never forget my shock when I cried at my son’s Kindergarten concert. I didn’t know I would be moved like that. I didn’t understand. I was happy and he was so cute! And yet the tears and the feelings in my body were so incredibly overwhelming.
I think I understand a bit now.
I love these children so deeply. I have since the moment I knew they existed. I answered with a resounding “YES” to their desire to live. I wanted to do everything I could to help them be the most and the best versions of themselves that they wanted to be.
I want this, not for me. I want it for them and for the world! These gifts of life and love and God that I got to help bring to the world;
it isn’t a gift FROM me;
it isn’t a gift FOR me alone.
These babies, children, and now young adults are gifts for God, for all of us!
Sitting there in those school concert audiences, just one person among many, watching our children shine for everyone, we get a glimpse of them and their power and brilliance outside of the womb, outside of our arms, outside of our homes. We see them gifting their voices and giggles and wiggles and smiles and Spirits to the World. And I feel a gratitude and love beyond what my body can hold.
My kids don’t owe me. I don’t owe my mom. I may just be starting to understand the debt that we have to LOVE though! In every relationship and every moment where we have the opportunity to pay, to serve, to care, to love, we are participating in what was meant to be.
Thank you Mom!
Thank you God!
I did ask to be born.
