Some of what I’ve learned from Mom and Dad and their relationship:

Love is a choice. Put intention on practicing love even, or especially when it’s not easy.

Be kind and gentle with each other.

We see things differently and love is willing to be open to another perspective.

Don’t wait for your partner to apologize. Holding onto anger or trying to harden your heart won’t help you feel better, EVER. Apologize and forgive.

Feeling anger, frustration, even dislike for your partner is okay. Love them anyway. Soften your heart and work it out.

Radical honesty is healing and refreshing, even when it hurts. Secrets are powerful prisons of suffering for everyone.

Look at your judgments to see your own wounds that are calling for healing. Don’t be afraid of the mirror your partner holds. There’s beauty in there.

You don’t have to do this alone. Talk to family and friends when you are struggling. Get counseling, join couples groups, get support. Lean on your community and be there for others.

Forgive, forgive, forgive, and forgive again. This is how you can move on.

Tell each other of your love, your gratitude, your respect, your adoration of each other. Prop each other up to face the world. Be of service to your partner’s desire to be who they want to be.

I’ve always had pride in my “high road” relationship with my ex, all for the kid’s sake. We are polite and matter of fact in our interactions. We put our relational mess aside so we can love and support our kids in the best ways possible.

OK, so this is really mostly true and I am genuinely grateful to my ex for his amazingly deep commitment to this! And there’s a giant shadow side to how I have managed this relationship. I keep my heart guarded. I have my heels dug into my entitlement. I’m braced for conflict. My walls are up!

We communicate only when necessary and only about kids. We text and email only about schedule modifications, vacations, school and sports info, clothing needs, errands to be done, and cost-sharing negotiations, etc. Most everything else is just off limits. We have next to zero personal interaction. Even the face to face time at school and sporting events is spent without much talking.

I have liked it this way.

I liked it because my relationship with this man reminds me of my failures, my inadequacies, my tendencies toward unconscious living. He reminds me of so many parts of myself that I still judge, criticize, and punish. I didn’t like myself very much when we were married. I’m not proud of the woman I was then.

I really prefer NOT to have all of this in my face. So, like I said, we have put our relational mess aside. Or rather, I have chained this tender wounded animal of a mess up in the basement and locked the door hoping it will eventually just go away.

I never care for it. I never pet it or take it out for walks. It lives by feeding on scraps of anger, resentment, pain and fear.

When I see an unexpected text or call coming in, I am immediately assuming the worst, “Oh no, what now?” When I have to ask for a favor, I’m throwing that beast my expectations of a power struggle or a questioning of my intentions. If differences in parenting style need to be addressed, that beast is hungrily feasting on judgment and fear.

The beast has a constant presence of whining, growling, or tugging on that chain. I am quick to interpret neutral statements as blame or judgment. I am so easily taken back to a time when I would see my self-loathing reflected in the way he looks at me or the tone of his voice. These looks and tones might not even be there any more and yet I continue to feed them with fear.

Once in a while, the beast gets out. It is so very rare that it happens. So, it’s really not a problem.

Ha!

A misunderstanding or a differing of perspective might crack that basement door just enough so that the beast comes lurching out pissed off snarling, barking, and gnashing her teeth! She’s chained up so doesn’t do too much damage, usually. Although I know dealing with her is hurtful for all of us. She always ends up hurting herself, right in those tender, neglected wounds of failure, inadequacy and fear.

My pattern has been to cry with her for a bit, lock her up again, apologize and promise to keep that door closed.

But, remember that high road I think I’m on with my kids!? Do I really believe my kids don’t know about that beast locked in the basement?

I know they know. I know that I want to model for them living from love instead of fear. I know I want them to see me extending more love and kindness to their father! I would like to see me extending more love and kindness too!

Yes, for my children.
Yes, for me.
Yes, for their father.
And YES for the whole point of leaning into love in every aspect of life! Wherever and whenever I am withholding love, I am preventing the flow in the Universe and especially in my own life. To serve a higher purpose would mean I don’t get to leave out my exes. Not my ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends, or ex-friends, or any of the poor beasts I am neglecting in my basement.

So, after the last time the beast got out. I decided to tend to her differently. These tender wounds need some attention in order to heal. The best way I know to heal them is to stop hating them, start loving them, and start consciously responding differently to what triggers their pain. And look here! Being in this amicable relationship with my ex, I am so lucky to have ample opportunity.

Love knows the way. Love knows that no matter what is lacking in a relationship, I can look to myself to see what I am withholding. When there is fear, unfairness, lack of gratitude, blaming, judgment, or even just a little awkwardness or distance, I can make a choice to give more.

Love is a choice – which means I must choose!
It is up to me to have the courage to choose love first. When I choose to bring love and curiosity to my interactions instead of waiting to see what you’re bringing, I am open, relaxed, and much less reactive. Every time I see a text or an email come in from the ex, I have a choice in how to set my attitude before I read it. At first it took conscious effort and a few seconds of breath to release the fear and angst. With practice though, it has become my new habit to feel curious instead of braced for conflict. I now feel a brighter, “Oh, I wonder what’s up?” when reading these communications. Whether the tone of the communications ever changed from him or not, I perceive them differently now. I don’t project discomfort into the tone. I respond differently. Then he responds differently. The whole relationship is different. Whether I do it for me or him or the kids or God, maybe doesn’t matter, it feels so much better.

Love is generous and doesn’t keep score
So I ditched the scorecard. Ya know the one tracking how many favors we each request, how many schedule changes, how many times I pick up and drop off vs him. The score card kept track of who was owed at any moment. That never works out anyway because I could always find ways to balance the score in my favor. I mean, he always takes her to out of town soccer games, but he was the one who insisted that she be in this particular soccer league so that doesn’t count. Haha! And, I would often wait for his request for a favor even when I knew it was needed. I wanted to make him ask for everything he wanted or needed. This way, I get some credit. The score card kept me braced in a state of fear – always wanting to prove that I was contributing enough, always wanting justification in my pocket if I needed to fight for what I was entitled. I wanted things to be fair!

Without the scorecard, generosity is allowed! I have a bottomless well of love for my kids and whatever I can do to make their father’s life better or easier will serve him and them and me and God! I don’t have to wait to be asked for favors. I know where my offerings will be helpful. I know his work schedule and mine and when it’s more convenient for me to do the pick up and drop off. I know that my daughter and I enjoy shopping for new clothes together more than her and her dad. Generosity feels so much better than stubborn withholding anyway! Opportunities for my generosity are in my face all of the time in this relationship, I’m taking them.

When it comes to love and generosity in families, or relationships of any kind, together or broken, there must be a goal that is higher than fairness! In this case, it’s caring for and supporting our children. It can really only be good for our kids if their father is happier. In all cases, I believe the higher purpose to serve each other is to serve Life, Love, God so that each of us is resourced to live our best lives.

Love encourages gratitude and acknowledgment
When I am seeking and cultivating love in my world, nothing works better than gratitude. Making a conscious effort to notice when I am grateful for my ex and what he does for my kids or for me re-patterns my brain to notice it more often. I have made this a practice. I text him a thank you or an acknowledgment when he goes the extra mile, washing her soccer uniform, buying her new shoes without even mentioning that it needed to be done, taking care of school forms to be filled out, etc. Appreciation and acknowledgment sure feels good and again, generosity with these creates a really beautiful space between us.

Love does not blame
When there is conflict, a loving attitude and heart can see that there is pain. Love can see that there may be a request. Love does not blame or shame or use hurtful judgments. Love can tell the truth and say no and do it with compassion and kindness. When I’m triggered or angry, I need to take time to settle down before I react. I need to allow my anger and ask Love to attend to my wounds. I need to pray for the wisdom to see the truth. Sometimes it takes longer than others to get to a place where I can respond with love. It’s so worth it. And, when I forget to take my time, love is always there to help clean up the mess offering another chance to choose.

I know for sure that there are more places in this relationship and every relationship where I can bring more kindness, compassion, generosity, and love. I am thankful for the continual opportunities to learn and grow all the time right here, right now, in this exact life that I am living, with these exact people who surround me.

Choosing love changes everything and spirals into inspiration to choose it again and again and again.

During the days following this exchange, I reflected on some painful memories from my childhood.

In elementary and middle school, there was a group of girls that I desperately wanted to be a part. I have a few very specific and vivid memories of their rejection of me. I have one particular memory of their hurtful bullying.

I already worked through this in therapy several years ago. These memories had worked their way into a painful strongbox in my core belief system about who I am. They held for me real experiences validating my deep wounds of unworthiness and inadequacy. I found a huge amount of relief and healing by releasing  these specific memories to live in me with love and gratitude instead of locked up and guarded by pain and resentment.

Then, my recent interaction with this woman on Facebook reminded me that there is even more love and beauty here for us all. These memories include other people. Oh right, “Hello Ego!”  In my mind, these other people were still mean little girls. In reality, these other people are grown women like me. And back then they were all in their own process of learning about love and life and who they are. My guess is that they were all desperate to be seen and loved and included just like me. They may have also been wrestling with their own versions of unworthiness and/or inadequacy.

Here is where I see the truth of them! I see their beauty and innocence.  I can easily forgive these beautiful little girls.

In high school, in a new town, with different cool and beautiful girls, I found myself included in the circle. And, wouldn’t you know, my memories of my experiences are not much different. I felt constantly terrified of their rejection and bullying. Maybe worse, I felt hated by almost anyone who wasn’t considered a part of this little circle. And I blamed all those girls! In my adult reflections, I’m not sure that they ever did anything or said anything to hurt me at all. I did, however, project my feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, and inadequacy onto them.

Whew!

The circle of mean girls
With the matching coats
Who wouldn’t let me play with them
Who didn’t invite me to their parties
Who surrounded me and bullied me when I showed up unwanted
Who ended up being the beautiful monsters where I could place my self doubt, self hate, and even worse…
Their voices say, “Who do you think you are?”
And they are the perfect reasons for me to shrink into that fear that I really am not
Cool enough
Pretty enough
Fun enough
Good enough
I never did wear the right clothes
I never did say the coolest things
And I was desperate for them to see me

At a new school with a new circle of girls
With the matching coats
Only this time
I was invited
Without even having the coat
Or the clothes
And they became the new beautiful monsters where I could put my self doubt, self hate, and even worse…
Oh the voices were mean
And I’m not sure if those voices were coming from their mouths at all

Now in my adulthood, as I explore my relationships to women, my longing for girlfriends and sisters and feminine bonding, I see my patterns. I am reminded to notice that I am the common denominator in my experiences and to ask myself how I show up when I am with women.

Here is what I know now:

Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will want to invite me to their parties. This means nothing about my importance, my worthiness, or my goodness as a woman.

We are all allowed our preferences with who we want to be in relationship. We all have limits to our time and energy and get to choose where we focus these. And there are NO limits to how much love is available to anyone and we can all do better at remembering this always with our generous kindness and compassion.

When I assume that you are better than me, I can’t connect to you. I won’t let myself. So, I approach you with my shrunken self, closed heart, and fearful thoughts. Most women don’t feel safe to open up to that! Many keep their distance. Many put up their armor. And a few react in offense.

We are all equal in this Universe, connected as children of God, seeking each other’s love and acceptance in order to feel the connection that is always already here. Come to each other with this knowledge and experience the wisdom in each other’s presence!

When I am afraid of your judgment and rejection, I hide who I am and cover myself with what I think you might like. I’m good at this. I have stellar chameleon skills, so sometimes I can get in pretty close. This begins a relationship with an awkwardness that becomes harder and harder to correct. The discomfort of guarding my truth and hiding becomes painful for all of us.

We are all unique and beautiful expressions of God. We hunger and thirst for truth, authenticity and diversity. Come to each other as YOU with compassionate, curious open hearts and generosity of your extraordinary soul.

When I am holding blame and judgment towards the feminine in my past who hold the space for my beliefs that women don’t like me, women are cruel, women will hurt me, I create the very separation that I am so desperately fighting. It’s long overdue time to forgive the feminine in my life. Its time for me to see you all as my sisters, friends, lovers, and partners on this journey. I know you and you know me in precious and tender ways through our experiences as girls and women in this life. No need to hide, no need to shrink, no need to armor my heart.

To all those little girls and beautiful teens, I see you! I am so sorry for any pain that my withholding of love ever caused you. I forgive you for anytime that you couldn’t extend love to me.

To all the women you have become, I honor your journey and am so grateful for your place in mine.

I love you so!

Image courtesy of Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot at FreeDigitalPhotos.net